Monday, August 13, 2012

Doug. A Collection of Observations and Anecdotes about the Bane of My Existence.

Let it be known that I love my dog very much and I don’t know what I would do without him (except maybe clean less and sleep peacefully through the night more). But over the last year and a half Doug has taught me to reevaluate my stance on animal abuse. Kicking dogs and throwing rocks at them are still heinous crimes, unless I’m the one doing it to my own stupid dog, who has done something stupid and is asking for it. If you’ve never had an unruly young dog yourself, don’t judge.

It’s 3AM. Doug just woke me up crying with his tail swinging low and his nose down looking up at me through his dumb little puppy dog eyes. Uh-oh, that’s his “I did something bad” look. Sure enough, the living room is covered in glass shards. The dummy jumped through the glass window trying to get outside and join the nightly barking contest with the other village dogs. Don’t worry though; I got a good kick in before he could escape through the gaping glass hole in my house.


Today Doug looks like he partied hard last night. He’s all dirty and matted and passed out half inside and half outside the front door, like he couldn’t make it all the way. Kitty gave him a disapproving sniff and left him for dead.

There’s a new crazy drunken hobo in town. He’s taken a liking to the solo Azungu and has started peering in my windows and sitting on my front porch. F*ing Doug is useless because the hobo pet him once so now they’re friends. F*ing Doug. I think he just likes that I’ve started yelling at something other than him. Today

Doug found a dead rodent. I’ve never seen him jump with such glee! He was prancing around the front yard with it flopping around in his mouth. If you listened close enough, you could actually hear him giggling with delight. He stopped every few prances to drop it on the ground and roll on top of it happily. Whatever, just don’t bring it inside.

F*ing Doug! As if I don’t feed him enough! Tried to make chapatti today, left the kitchen for one minute and returned to find Doug chowing down on the dough from ON TOP of the counter. How did you even get up there?!

When he’s in a playful mood, Doug likes to chase anything going faster than a walk. Especially bikes. He’ll hear the sound of a speeding cyclist coming from up the road and wait expectantly on the edge of our property with his ears perked and his tail stopped mid-wag. I’m sure he’s also holding his breath in anticipation. When the unsuspecting cyclist gets close enough Doug jumps out barking with his tail wagging wildly and tries to bite the bike’s rear tire. The cyclist, no doubt terrified of any dog at any time, reliably starts yelling and screaming at Doug and tries to kick at his face while simultaneously trying to keep the bike upright. Doug takes this as a challenge and playfully nips at the flailing foot. Eventually, the bike outruns Doug, who gives up and instead stalks the nearest chicken into a squawking desperate chase. He LOVES chasing chickens. He’ll never bite them (he learned that at a young age with many sharp kicks by not me) but it still freaks everyone out. I always know when Doug is on his way home as the chorus of squawking and villagers’ yelled protests grow closer. I tried to stop these bike/chicken chasing tendencies in the beginning, but no matter what I did I couldn’t break the habit. I tried throwing rocks and chasing him down (never caught him, he’s way too fast), I tried the positive reinforcement method and tried training him to resist a rolling ball (he just jumped out the window and went out to play for real). I tried chaining him to a tree, which he broke a hundred times. So I gave up and now take immense amusement at watching him try to take down bikes and chase running screaming kids out of my yard and keep the chickens out of my gardens. But not that damn hobo! He won’t chase the damn hobo!!! If only I could lure that guy onto a bike…

Why do dogs insist on barking to each other at night?!?! C’mon!!!

Doug is curled up in the fetal position. He’s all sweet and innocent when he’s asleep. It’s weird that sweet little Doug was once inside of another dog. Science.

Awww! Kitty and Doug are totally spooning right now!


So we just got back from a meeting with an HIV support group in another village. Doug, of course, followed me and then promptly passed out in the middle of the gathering. Literally, in the middle. Everyone looked at him uneasily and no one would touch him, they aren’t as used to him there as they are here in our village. We went around the circle introducing ourselves. “I’m Mirium, from village Thanula,” “I’m Joseph, from village Kangoyi”, “I’m Stacey. And this is Doug, from village Chikwina.” They laughed, but I was serious... Still no one touched him, but they decided they were no longer afraid of a sleeping dog from village Chikwina.

I woke up this morning with Doug attempting to join me in bed. He was filthy! He looked like he tried to put on war paint with his hind legs and his eyes closed. Gave the little devil a bath today. Mwahahaha! Take it, dog! Just take it!

Did I ever tell you about the time we were watching a football match with all of Chikwina’s surrounding villages at the playing field behind my house and Doug, still a puppy at the time, decided he wanted to play too? He ran onto the field and bit the heels of the running players and tried to fit the whole ball into his mouth. All of Chikwina laughed. We left the game in disgrace. Luckily, the next day, a goat decided to pull the same stunt and all was forgotten.

Doug brought home a puppy. I don’t know whose puppy it is, but it’s certainly not Doug’s. No Doug, you can’t keep it. I don’t care that you already named it Skeeter and you promise to walk it every day…

Mom and Dad sent me a package of shredded beef. Robert and I ate the bulk of it and gave the package to Doug to lick clean, as is his birthright. Doug got a little over zealous about it. The package ended up completely covering his head and he was desperately trying to eat bits of beef off the bottom as he blindly ran into walls. It was funny.

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