I hear myself saying to a classroom full of devout Christians who were force fed Creationism since the womb, “…the tailbone is mostly useless. It is left over from when we were monkeys.” Blank stares. I could practically see thought bubbles coming up from each of their heads, what??
“You know, because millions of years ago we used to be monkeys…”
Nothing. Madam is going to Hell.
Right now in Form 3 Biology we’re learning about coordination. Ya know, like bones and muscles and movement and blah blah. Today, whilst talking about the different types of vertebra I found myself going off on a rare but highly entertaining and educational biology-related rant. We’d finished discussing the cervical and thoracic and lumbar and sacral vertebra and we were to the coccyx, or the vestigial tail, better known as the tailbone. (And I pretty much quote exactly, skip ahead if you don’t care to read my high school Biology English-as-a-second-language rendition of evolution, but if you do choose to read it, imagine me in class acting out every few sentences), “Alright, so millions of years ago we were monkeys, but then over time we evolved into humans. During that time, other monkeys and apes split off from the line and formed their own species, that’s why we have different species of monkeys. But our specific line learned how to walk on our hind legs and grow bigger brains and form thumbs and voice boxes. There’s tons of evidence for this. If you line up all the fossils from all over the world that come from our line of ancient monkey to human, you can see the gradual changes taking place every few thousand years. The proof is unmistakable. Back when we were monkeys we needed tails, but after a while we decided we no longer needed tails so we evolved without them. But the bone where the tail used to attach, for some reason, didn’t go away. It’s a vestigial trait, meaning it’s left over from a more ancient time and no longer has any function. We have many vestigial traits. Have you ever let a baby grab your finger and they have a really strong grip? They can pretty much rip your finger off. That is also left over from when we were monkeys, when the baby had to hold on to the mother while she climbed a tree to escape lions and whatever. Now that we’re humans, a baby has no need to hang onto its mother because what mother would climb a tree with her newborn baby? That’s stupid. Also, some whales have hipbones but no hips! You know whales, those really really big mammal fish? Anyway, they used to have a function for their hipbones when they were a more ancient species. But then they evolved into the whale they are now and were never able to get rid of their hipbones…and that’s why we have a useless tailbone. We were monkeys.”
Responses:
“No no, Madam, no no.”
“Madam, do you read the Bible?”
“But where did the first monkey come from?”
“Madam, you are saying we are nyama, animals. This is not true.”
“No no, Madam, no no.”
My counter response:
“Yes, Victor, I’m familiar with the Bible, no I will not get into my opinions on it in Biology class, or ever. There are plenty of good Christians who agree with me that we came from monkeys, because it’s a fact. Kennedy, what makes you think we are not nyama (which also translates to meat)? If a lion came in here, he would eat us the same as a goat because we are also nyama. Delicious nyama. We can think and communicate complexly, but that doesn’t mean we’re not animals. We still make babies and eat food and breathe air and die. Didn’t we learn in Form 1 that Homo sapiens are a part of the kingdom animalia? And Darlington, I know you’re trying to get me to say that Adam was the first monkey, but that would be silly. The first monkey actually came from an even more primitive mammal, which, many millions of years ago, decided to leave the oceans and evolve into a land animal, which later became birds and reptiles and rodents too. I could explain even further but I would have to explain the Big Bang theory and the gasses present in the universe and the primordial soup, which would take a really long time and get Victor even angrier with me. If you really want to know, come see me after class.”
Their counter counter response:
“No no, Madam, no no.”
“Ahhh, I see!” – That’s the suck up in the class.
“No no, Madam, it is not true.”
“Hahahahaha! Monkey tails!”
So I’m pretty sure I’ve convinced them on evolution…
“You know, because millions of years ago we used to be monkeys…”
Nothing. Madam is going to Hell.
Right now in Form 3 Biology we’re learning about coordination. Ya know, like bones and muscles and movement and blah blah. Today, whilst talking about the different types of vertebra I found myself going off on a rare but highly entertaining and educational biology-related rant. We’d finished discussing the cervical and thoracic and lumbar and sacral vertebra and we were to the coccyx, or the vestigial tail, better known as the tailbone. (And I pretty much quote exactly, skip ahead if you don’t care to read my high school Biology English-as-a-second-language rendition of evolution, but if you do choose to read it, imagine me in class acting out every few sentences), “Alright, so millions of years ago we were monkeys, but then over time we evolved into humans. During that time, other monkeys and apes split off from the line and formed their own species, that’s why we have different species of monkeys. But our specific line learned how to walk on our hind legs and grow bigger brains and form thumbs and voice boxes. There’s tons of evidence for this. If you line up all the fossils from all over the world that come from our line of ancient monkey to human, you can see the gradual changes taking place every few thousand years. The proof is unmistakable. Back when we were monkeys we needed tails, but after a while we decided we no longer needed tails so we evolved without them. But the bone where the tail used to attach, for some reason, didn’t go away. It’s a vestigial trait, meaning it’s left over from a more ancient time and no longer has any function. We have many vestigial traits. Have you ever let a baby grab your finger and they have a really strong grip? They can pretty much rip your finger off. That is also left over from when we were monkeys, when the baby had to hold on to the mother while she climbed a tree to escape lions and whatever. Now that we’re humans, a baby has no need to hang onto its mother because what mother would climb a tree with her newborn baby? That’s stupid. Also, some whales have hipbones but no hips! You know whales, those really really big mammal fish? Anyway, they used to have a function for their hipbones when they were a more ancient species. But then they evolved into the whale they are now and were never able to get rid of their hipbones…and that’s why we have a useless tailbone. We were monkeys.”
Responses:
“No no, Madam, no no.”
“Madam, do you read the Bible?”
“But where did the first monkey come from?”
“Madam, you are saying we are nyama, animals. This is not true.”
“No no, Madam, no no.”
My counter response:
“Yes, Victor, I’m familiar with the Bible, no I will not get into my opinions on it in Biology class, or ever. There are plenty of good Christians who agree with me that we came from monkeys, because it’s a fact. Kennedy, what makes you think we are not nyama (which also translates to meat)? If a lion came in here, he would eat us the same as a goat because we are also nyama. Delicious nyama. We can think and communicate complexly, but that doesn’t mean we’re not animals. We still make babies and eat food and breathe air and die. Didn’t we learn in Form 1 that Homo sapiens are a part of the kingdom animalia? And Darlington, I know you’re trying to get me to say that Adam was the first monkey, but that would be silly. The first monkey actually came from an even more primitive mammal, which, many millions of years ago, decided to leave the oceans and evolve into a land animal, which later became birds and reptiles and rodents too. I could explain even further but I would have to explain the Big Bang theory and the gasses present in the universe and the primordial soup, which would take a really long time and get Victor even angrier with me. If you really want to know, come see me after class.”
Their counter counter response:
“No no, Madam, no no.”
“Ahhh, I see!” – That’s the suck up in the class.
“No no, Madam, it is not true.”
“Hahahahaha! Monkey tails!”
So I’m pretty sure I’ve convinced them on evolution…
No comments:
Post a Comment