Costco and the Other Ridiculous Things We Fantasize About

Just got off the phone with the rents. They are heading out on their usual weekend trip to Costco. When they told me this I found myself seething with jealousy. Literally, just yesterday Robert and I were day dreaming together about future weekend trips to Costco when we get back to the States. We drooled over our imaginary order of Costco hot dogs and huge slices of peperoni pizzas, washed down with churros and chocolate-vanilla swirl froyo. But that would just be the beginning. Oh yes, just the beginning. Then we’d get one of their shitty shopping carts that never roll in a straight line and take turns pushing each other in circles around the huge Costco warehouse filled with massive amounts of everyday necessities sold in bulk and cheap assemble-it-yourself home office equipment. We’d visit every free samples station at least twice, even the dumb ones, like the health food energy bars and mixed nuts ones. We’d push our way to the front of the impatient growing crowds forming around a station that recently ran out of samples but is soon to put out more. We’d squeeze past the moms and dads toting their squirming tots, equally anxious to get their hands on free bite-sized microwaved food. We’d elbow the elderly out of the way and shoulder in front of those respectful shoppers observing considerate free-samples etiquette (suckers!). Doesn’t matter who showed up to the sample station first, we intend on grabbing as many samples as we can as quickly as we can, then bolt. Ooh! Maybe we can dress up as evil sample-stealing supervillains. We will be feared throughout Costco, leaving a trail of empty Dixie sample cups in our wake! And we won’t buy ANY of the advertised samples!!! Mwahaha!!!

Other things my PC friends and I fantasize about include:
1. Sneaking feasts into movie theaters and propping our feet up on the seat in front of us.
2. Waiting in lines at Disneyland. It’ll be awesome because after chilling for an hour or so, just hanging out and messing with the people standing around us we get to go on a Disneyland ride! Also at Disneyland is overpriced food, themed restaurants, and fools dressed up as Disney characters!
3. Sushi dinners. When we talk about sushi we tend to itemize each roll we will order and how we will dress it in soy sauce and ginger before sticking it in our mouths.
4. Driving around our respective towns. I’m usually delegated to the passenger seat in these exercises, because most people here claim to be better drivers than I ever claim to be.
5. Going to Souplantation with a bunch of games and stay there all day playing and eating.
6. A Caribbean cruise (keep in mind these are daydreams). I would like nothing more than a quintessential American gluttonous experience of a cruise! Eat all day at the all-you-can-eat buffets, sit around the deck in a bathing suit with other Americans with disposable incomes, constantly drink overpriced fruity drinks and dirty vodka martinis, get all dressed up for dinner, walk into tourist traps in third-world port cities and not give a damn or write a single grant proposal or form any women’s groups, play bingo in a bathrobe, and sing karaoke and compete in stupid games like ice carving competitions. By the end of these two years I think I will have put in my time trying to help and make friends with developing countries. It’ll be time to go back to just contributing good ol’ American tourist dollars, one exotic cruise destination at a time. Just for a week! One freaking week! I would love that.
7. Most of us are planning cross-country road trips when we get home. So far, my favorite places to dream about include Maine (for the lobsters), New York (for the food and plays), South Carolina coastline, Atlanta (best food in America, next to New York), New Orleans, Orlando (DisneyWORLD and Universal slash Harry Potter Land), the Grand Canyon, Seattle/Portland, San Francisco, take a wine tour in central California, a brewery tour everywhere else, and duh, San Diego. San Diego!!!
8. Within San Diego I dream about my house (specifically how it looks and feels in the morning after I’ve slept in), carne asada burritos, Katie Rider’s house (especially the view from the kitchen), the drive south on the I-15 and the I-5, the Mongolian BBQ place in the food court of the mall, the yoga studio I go to right on Solana Beach, the Sushiya place next to the PartyCity and the Sand Crab Cafe with my parents, everything at all connected with Ocean Beach (especially the hobos that cheer and yell “encore” at every sundown), nights in Pacific Beach with friends, beer pong in Katie’s garage, the western side of Point Loma (like Nimitz Drive and stuff, with the killer Santana’s, which has tragically become Fresh Mxn Food. Lame.), downtown Escondido (for some reason, the only place I really go to there is the doctor’s and the bank), the San Diego Wild Animal Park, Sea World, Mission Beach by way of Sea World Drive, the art shows downtown, that terrible improve theater also downtown, my car, Big Red (which has sadly been disposed of since my time in Africa), Old Town Café, where they make tortillas right there on the outdoor patio. Oh man, 12½ months and counting!!

Now that I think about it, I really outta take it slow when I get back. I’m gonna have severe sensory overload just touching down on American soil, not to mention reverse culture shock, weird tastes in my brain, vertigo, and sea legs (for no particular reason, I can see it just happening, a natural PC backlash). Better stick to the small stuff at first, like remembering how to drive (period.) to Rrrrroberto’s for some chicken flautas with guac and extra red sauce (!!!). Maybe just dip my toe into the Costco experience. Limit myself to one slice of pizza and enter the warehouse labyrinth of free-sample insanity at a later date…or not!