It was one year ago today that I touched down in Malawi. Touching down in Malawi is completely different from the One Year Ago Today in which I boarded a plane in America. This is when my African life re-education began. Here are some examples to illustrate my re-education:
1. When going to the bathroom, don’t forget to bring toilet paper. Also, don’t forget to bring it back with you or your neighbors will steal it.
2. Good fences don’t make good neighbors. Good fences just make it a little more difficult for your neighbors stare at you and comment on how much you need to slash the grass in your dirt front yard. It’s unsightly. And also, you really need to mop your floors after you sweep. Good fences also just encourage the goats to knock the whole thing down to get to your tomatoes, as opposed to bad fences which they can just shoulder a hole through.
3. Children are not for nurturing. They are for carrying water and yard work.
4. Axes and hoes can double as toys for toddlers.
5. A 4x2 meter piece of cloth is really all you ever need to leave the house with.
6. Hitchhiking is the only way to travel.
7. Oh, don’t mind that slobbering stuttering man all up in your face asking you to marry him and getting really worked up when you say no. He is drunk. Ha ha!
8. Malawian: “Who was that Azungu boy at your house this weekend?”
Me: “Just a friend, he was here to give a business training at the school…”
Malawian: “Why wasn’t I invited to the wedding?!”
9. In Malawi, the question “at which Church do you pray?” is the equivalent of asking someone in America “where are you from?” or someone in England “where did you go to school?” The answer “I don’t go to Church” is completely unacceptable. It would be like saying “I’m from Mars” or “I went to school up your butt and around the corner”. Better to just make up a church. Oh, you’ve never heard of it? Yeah, they don’t have one here in Malawi yet. Beats being called “a Jewish”.
10. Malawian: “You have been away for some time now. We have been missing you. Why didn’t you invite us to your wedding in Mzuzu?!”
Me: “What?? I didn’t have a wedding in Mzuzu. That rumor is completely false.”
Malawian: “Why didn’t you invite us?!”
11. When riding crammed in the back of a pick-up truck that should have been sold for scrap metal in the early 90’s with 20 other people and a chicken, there is always room one more…and their bike.
12. Being fat is desirable. As an American in a foreign culture, this is fine, in theory. But after a year of being called fat, oh you are getting fatter, can you even fit in this chair?, when I know for a fact that I am NOT fat and yes, duh I can fit in that chair, it’s MY chair in MY house PLEASE leave, I can tell you the theory is false. This particular part of the re-education process is failing.
13. “Give me (money, biscuit, dog, food you were about to put in your mouth, fill in the blank)” is a perfectly acceptable way to ask for something.
14. Lying about things, especially small things, is much more common than getting the truth. Example: Its 2 o’clock now, what time does the bus leave? Answer: 3 o’clock. When actually the answer is 8 o’clock, or tomorrow morning, or you just missed it.
15. Greeting someone, anyone within a 3 to 20 meter radius of you is essential. Failing to do so labels you as a rude, cold person.
16. “Karibu nsima” is a call to free food cooked by your neighbor. But beware the fried usipa.
17. Older babies are in charge of the supervision and education of other slightly younger babies.
18. Only nsima is food. This part of re-education is also failing. Nsima is not food.
19. When someone knocks on your door, no matter how short the visit, the first thing you must do is bring chairs out to your front porch for their sitting pleasure. Indicating the ledge of the porch as a sitting area is always met with confused glances and a shorter visit due to the fact that the conversation will take place standing up.
20. A 23-year-old childless unmarried woman is an old maid and must be married off with due haste. So, if anyone outside my village asks, yes, I am married. No, I do not need a second Malawian husband. And while we’re at it, no, I do not want to be your friend only because you want a friend that is white.
21. Cockroaches and mice are a fact of life and kitchens. So are snakes and lizards of gardens and mango trees. So are chickens pooping in your house if your door is left open. Oh yeah, and that one time when I was reading in my living room and in walks a goat. Even Doug was taken aback and didn’t know what to do about it. Turns out the goat was just coming in to say “what’s up”. Or maybe it was “give me money”. Can’t really tell, he had a strong accent.
No comments:
Post a Comment